Warning: if you have been a victim of Domestic Violence, the following may trigger memories that you would prefer not to re-live. Please be prepared that it is a possibility before reading further. I do not want to cause any unnecessary distress. Many thanks.
If there is one sentence guaranteed to cause me to feel absolute rage it is “why doesn’t she just leave?” in relation to domestic violence. My initial thought however, is one of envy. Clearly the person uttering these words has never experienced or witnessed domestic violence – they are one of the lucky ones. I could bombard you with statistics here such as 1 in 4 women experience domestic violence in their lifetime, or on average 2 women a week are killed by a current or former partner, or a particularly horrifying one courtesy of the Department for Health; at least 750,000 children a week in the UK witness domestic violence. If you are interested in further statistics and analysis I highly recommend the summary document produced by Women’s Aid. (www.womensaid.org.uk) Statistics aside, domestic violence is a hidden crime so I accept that it is unrealistic to expect those who lack personal experience of it to fully understand. Consequently, while ignorant observations and simplifications make me angry I appreciate that they are precisely that, ignorant. So, I thought I’d have a go at trying to de-mystify domestic violence for those with no experience of it. If this blog helps one person to understand and not ask the dreaded question, I figure it’s worth writing.
Domestic violence rarely happens over night or right at the beginning of a relationship although evidence suggests that domestic violence is common in relationships that progress to the “living-in” stage quickly. There is a usually a build up of abusive behaviour over time, which can range from weeks to years and the forerunner to physical abuse is usually emotional abuse. There is no “type” of person that is abused, it can happen to literally anyone, including the most confident and outgoing of your family and friends. Domestic violence is a type of control, which is why it doesn’t happen over night it is usually preceded by other types of controlling behaviour. At the start of a relationship someone calling excessively to chat, or showing a little jealousy when you get dressed up to go out for a night with your friends, can be flattering rather than concerning. Jealous incidents can easily be written off as a natural part of loving someone. Imagine your new partner showed a lot of interest in your new hair style or your latest shopping expedition. Surely, most people would be flattered to have a partner quite so attentive? I should probably point out here that not all men or women that demonstrate this kind of behaviour are potential abusers, far from it. However, I think it’s important to show how these types of behaviour can link together over time to build a much bigger picture of abuse.
So once the relationship is established behaviour may progress, where a partner used to take interest in your new hair style they now criticise it or tell you they prefer it a different way. Where they once called you regularly because they missed you, they now call to check exactly where you are and who you are with. When you dress up for a night out he might tell you not to wear that dress because it’s too low cut or your skirt is too short and he doesn’t want “his” girlfriend dressing like that. Or perhaps when you arrange to have a night out without him, he starts sulking and complaining about it. Alternatively he goes out drinking for the night and when he comes home he’s verbally abusive or threatening but in the morning he acts as if it didn’t happen, blames it on the alcohol or apologises profusely and promises that it won’t ever happen again. If you love someone it’s easy to forgive these things at first and if you have no experience of abuse why would you start to link this kind of behaviour together and realise how it can progress?
Emotional abuse can have a profound effect and more often than not it is a pre-cursor to physical abuse. Imagine being told you are fat, ugly, useless, stupid, that nobody else will want you and that everybody hates you over and over again day in, day out. Consistently being isolated from your family and friends because you don’t “need anybody else” so your support network begins to crumble (assuming you had one to begin with). Family and friends may well feel rejected or hurt because they don’t realise what is happening to you and perceive you to be choosing to spend time with your partner over them. Thus, they make themselves less approachable. That in itself is enough to destroy even the strongest person and make them believe that everything that they are being told about themselves is true. If you then add physical violence to the existing emotional abuse, is it any wonder that someone feels helpless and ashamed? Physical violence when it first happens, usually comes as a shock which is why when a perpetrator appears to show utter remorse a victim believes it won’t happen again. In reality it almost always happens again and once that initial barrier has been broken, tends to get progressively worse. Ask yourself, if someone was threatening to harm or kill you, your children or your family if you dare to report or leave them, would you do it?
If someone is consistently violent towards you, you know what they are capable of so it really isn’t a huge leap to believe them when they say that they will kill or seriously injure you. If they threaten to take your children away or kill them if you leave, why wouldn’t you believe that they will do it? If they say that if you leave them they will find you no matter where you go, why wouldn’t you think that is exactly what they will do? Domestic violence like other forms of abuse thrives on secrecy. The perpetrator relies on the fact that the consequences that they will suffer if they report the abuse are so severe, that the victim will not tell anyone what is happening to them. This is incredibly powerful. Personally this is why I feel escaping the situation is paramount and reporting the crime is secondary. I know I may well get berated for saying that but safety is far more important than retribution in my view. I would however urge any victim to visit their doctor in absolute confidence and show them the physical signs of abuse when they occur. That way there is documentary evidence that can be used at a later date as necessary. I’m not in any way suggesting that domestic violence isn’t a crime or that it shouldn’t be reported, it is and it should. I’m simply saying that in many situations having someone convicted or arrested for it, is not the most pressing concern, survival is.
Not everyone has somewhere to go, they may be scared to go to family or friends in case it puts them at risk from the abuser too. They may also worry that they have no money or means of financial support, making them feel utterly trapped. It is common for abusers to take total control of financial concerns and also place debt i.e loans and credit cards in their victims name. When people question why women don’t leave, this is the kind of factor that they do not consider. In times of recession and huge cuts to welfare the financial considerations involved in trying to leave become even more poignant. The other factor that is often underestimated is fear. Fear will inform every single thought an abused person has and every single decision that they make. Combine this with feelings of embarrassment and shame and you have a maelstrom of emotions that make rational thought almost impossible.
If you are reading this and you are the victim of abuse or know someone that is, please do not despair, there are ways out and people that can help. Both Refuge and Womens Aid offer excellent support and advice. They can help a victim formulate a plan to leave and advise them on sources of financial support and places that they can go to. This includes safe houses if a victim is frightened that they will be followed or found. These organisations realise that the path to leaving may be a long one and that a victim will only do so when they have the strength and they are ready. They do not judge, they merely offer support and advice for keeping safe while still living with an abuser, as well as advice on the steps to take to help you leave safely and effectively. They can also offer support if you are concerned for a friend or family member. When you are in the midst of domestic violence it feels like a very lonely business, but you are not alone. It is a common occurrence and 25% of the women you will ever meet have experienced it in some form. It is not your fault, it is your abusers fault.
If you are reading this and you do not have any experience of domestic violence I hope I have opened your eyes to it just a little. If you have ever questioned in the past why someone didn’t leave an abuser I hope that in the future you will not judge, but try to understand why leaving isn’t nearly as easy as you first thought.
I have literally only touched the surface of this subject here and do intend to write further on domestic violence in the future. If you or someone you know is or has been a victim of domestic violence, below are the contact details for organisations that can help.
Womens Aid
Refuge
Domestic Violence Helpline 24hour Helpline 0808 2000 247
If you are a man effected by domestic violence please contact:
National Helpline 01823 334 224
National Helpline 0808 801 0327
Support for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transexual victims of violence:
National Helpline 0300 999 5428
Samaritans
National Helpline 0845 7909 090
Brilliant, brilliant article.
There is a very nasty implication to saying “why doesn’t she just leave?” It seems to imply, “if it was me, I would leave,” and by logical extension of the argument, she basically deserves it, it’s her fault. It implies she is in control of her situation when she clearly is not.
Domestic violence is clearly horrible. If it was simple to leave, it wouldn’t happen!
Victim blaming of the worst kind – a kind of protective attitude that makes people feel it couldn’t happen to them. Well, it could, which is the terrifying thing.
Anyway brilliant piece of writing
I used to say it would never happen to me…………
” he would hit me once and that would be it ”
although in my case it was mainly emotional abuse
took me a long time to get over it
So no, its not that easy to “just leave”
I gave up my house and job and moved 200 miles to a different country
Thank God for friends, who knew, who always said, you will know when its time to leave
So I did
Best thing I ever did
I have no doubt that I am ” mental” like all his other exes, never his fault. I also have no doubt, he will continue to do it to others
I’m glad to hear you are safe now
I agree with you, I think it’s a rare man that ever stops.
Good article, though it’s depressing that it still needs to be said. Most depressingly, I’ve only ever heard ‘why doesn’t she just leave?’ from women, never from men…
I suspect the reason for that is what LibertarianLou suggests: the subtext (or in some cases, stated text) is ‘if it was me, I would leave’. To some extent I can understand that thought – no one wants to think of themselves as that person, no one wants to imagine that they could find themselves trapped in such an awful situation. But of course, it still happens all the time, and everyone thinks ‘it could never happen to me’ until it does.
I only hope this article wasn’t written from personal experience.
Thank you. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s the kind of subject that you could write convincingly about if you hadn’t either experienced it, witnessed it or worked with people who have. x
I note the question is never phrased ‘Why doesn’t she just kick him out?’. Eviction of the abuser with an enforced court order preventing him returning would be a fairer option, though I can’t see our police ever being adequately supportive to make this work. The expectation that women will leave their homes (which they have often sunk their own life savings into, and paid the mortgage) is utterly unfair. I watched a friend lose her home, which was hers before her abusive husband ever moved in, because he beat her until she left and drank all their money so the mortgage went unpaid. How can anyone think this is a reasonable solution?
Even more frightening to think that the Law was only changed in the 90′s to account for domestic violence in property rights. Prior to that if a woman left her home she effectively gave up her right to it, regardless of whether she was driven to it by abuse.
Hey,
Just wanted to say that you’ve written an extremely powerful piece. It feels wrong to say that it’s good; I hope you understand what I mean.
The other thing I’d like to add is that some abusers are inconsistent with their abuse. One day they will be pinning you to the floor, screaming in your face; for the next few days or weeks they’ll be sweet as pie and acting like you’re delusional for even thinking they could do something like that, let alone flinching when they come near you. It played very nicely into the “I wouldn’t do these things if you didn’t push me into it” type of abuser that I would up with, who admitted the abuse for as long as it meant he could perpetuate it, then denied it all when I broke up with him – last heard calling me a “f***ing storyteller”.
Sorry; this has turned into a confessional.
It infuriates me beyond coherency when people focus on the abused partner; what (usually) she has done to provoke it; what she can do to stop it. If the same energy was spent on looking at the abusers – why they do it, how it can be stopped…
I totally agree with you and think inconsistency is a part of exerting power and controlling the situation – it also shows how absolutely conscious the behaviour is.